Eric Brian Hassler

Today has been fairly good. It hit me like a ton of bricks that Charlie has been gone 16 months and 7 days. Wow! It is weird how the days fly by but I feel like I am living in slow motion. Today I am gonna talk a little about my oldest son, Eric. He is my "freak" child.

He is covered in tattoo, but deep down, he is very sentimental and kind. He too has had a lot of loss in his life, too. When he was in the 8th grade a very good friend, Adam Bradbury, committed suicide. It devastated him. He is one to always be there to help a friend, and he had no idea that this child was being tortured by kids at school. Adam never said a word to him about it. Then his Granny-Granny died, then Charlie, then his Nana, then my mom. He was close to all of these people. I think he is scared to get close to anyone else for fear of loosing them too. That is why he keeps a distance and his feelings in check. It is sad that he isn't even 21 yet and is so guarded. Whatever happened to being young and carefree? It sux for him. So, a little about him. Eric Brian was born July 16, 1990 and was 10 pounds at birth. Large and in charge...lol. He was my pride and joy. Was the cutest, most precious little boy I knew...that's a mom being prejudice. lol. He was head strong from the get go and wouldn't let anyone tell him anything different. Today, he is the same way...I have NO idea where he gets it from...lol. He likes to be independent and not have to ask for anything. He doesn't realize that you can still be strong and still need help. I am hoping one day he will realize that. Anyways, I can't believe that he will be 21 this year. It seems like only yesterday that he was a little boy, playing in the sand at Nana's house. What happened to all that time I thought that I would have with my little boy? He grew up too fast! Now he is out of school, trying to become a tattoo artist and having to be a grown up. I want my baby back!!!!

I can say, that if it were not for my baby, I don't think I would be here today. He made me promise to stay here for him, and I would never think of breaking that promise. To be honest, I was surprised he could read my thought. After Charlie passed, all I could think was what am I gonna do with myself. For the majority of my life, I was Eric and Charlie's mom. Eric no longer lives at home, and Charlie is gone, my mom was dying and all I could think to myself, what is there left for me? But Eric pulled me aside and said "Promise me you won't do anything to yourself." I was floored. I could not believe he could read my mind and know what I was thinking. But I tried to play it off. "I promise I have no intentions to harm myself. I have you to focus on." But it was scary how much of my mind he read. I now realize I have other purposes...to make sure Eric survives this thing we call life. I am grateful I have Eric and am proud to call him my son. He is such a wonderful person. And I pray that people can see past the tattoos and harsh exterior to see the wonderful young man I have for a son.

So there you have it sports fans. My oldest son in a nut shell. Crazy and stubborn like his mother, and unfortunately, he looks like his dad. But I still call him mine!

Where Do I Start?!

It seems like yesterday that I had to turn the machine off on my son and say good-bye. Some days I actually think I am going to make it...then other days, I wonder why I am still walking this Earth.

There isn't a day that goes by that I don't just want to scream and want to know why. Why my son, who fought with all his might, why not me instead of my Charlie, what had I done to make God take my baby since he was already taking my mom from me and I pray the donor family doesn't think we just gave up. Why did God make me decide to let him go and why did he put me through this. I was already mad at God for my mom getting lung cancer, and taking my very best friend from me, but why Charlie. He had so much he wanted to do in his life. He wanted to be a doctor and try to find a cure for the heart defect that he was born with, trying to ease the pain of another child(ren). Does God get pleasure in seeing his children cry? feel like their hearts are being ripped out? why!!!!

So, am I allowed to be angry with God?! I quit going to church because I felt like a hypocrite sitting in a pew, listening to His word being preached knowing that I was so angry with Him that I wanted to scream that the preachings were just lies!!! Then one day, I sat there and as I pondered my anger, I realized, God knew I would be mad...I am such a control freak, but He still is carrying me, no matter how angry I am. I read the "Footprints in the Sand" and knew that he will always be with me, and that even though people say you can't be mad at God, I know that you can. Just like when you get mad at you spouse or child. Doesn't mean you don't love them...you just don't like what they have said or done. You still love them...so, just to let everyone reading this know...you can be mad at God, and still love him. He expects that, I think, and excepts us for who he created us to be. Me, He made me a control freak with a bad temper, lol, but He still loves me, and I Him. So, that made me feel better about my feelings of anger, but I still didn't get an answer why Charlie. Maybe one day.

Until I get that answer, I have come to realize that I have made great new friends, who understand my anger, my sorrow, my grief and my pain. I have met a wonderful family, who gave me 13 wonderful days with Charlie, The Shockley & Thruston Family, and am truly grateful for their generosity. They are wonderful people and I love them dearly!

I just keep telling myself that one day...I won't cry anymore. I know I get on people's nerves because I ALWAYS talk about Charlie, but I figure, my real friends will listen until I am blue in the face. I have found my real friends, and love each and everyone of them!

For now, I feel I have vented enough, but tomorrow is yet another day.

I love you Charlie!