Where Do I Start?!

It seems like yesterday that I had to turn the machine off on my son and say good-bye. Some days I actually think I am going to make it...then other days, I wonder why I am still walking this Earth.

There isn't a day that goes by that I don't just want to scream and want to know why. Why my son, who fought with all his might, why not me instead of my Charlie, what had I done to make God take my baby since he was already taking my mom from me and I pray the donor family doesn't think we just gave up. Why did God make me decide to let him go and why did he put me through this. I was already mad at God for my mom getting lung cancer, and taking my very best friend from me, but why Charlie. He had so much he wanted to do in his life. He wanted to be a doctor and try to find a cure for the heart defect that he was born with, trying to ease the pain of another child(ren). Does God get pleasure in seeing his children cry? feel like their hearts are being ripped out? why!!!!

So, am I allowed to be angry with God?! I quit going to church because I felt like a hypocrite sitting in a pew, listening to His word being preached knowing that I was so angry with Him that I wanted to scream that the preachings were just lies!!! Then one day, I sat there and as I pondered my anger, I realized, God knew I would be mad...I am such a control freak, but He still is carrying me, no matter how angry I am. I read the "Footprints in the Sand" and knew that he will always be with me, and that even though people say you can't be mad at God, I know that you can. Just like when you get mad at you spouse or child. Doesn't mean you don't love them...you just don't like what they have said or done. You still love them...so, just to let everyone reading this know...you can be mad at God, and still love him. He expects that, I think, and excepts us for who he created us to be. Me, He made me a control freak with a bad temper, lol, but He still loves me, and I Him. So, that made me feel better about my feelings of anger, but I still didn't get an answer why Charlie. Maybe one day.

Until I get that answer, I have come to realize that I have made great new friends, who understand my anger, my sorrow, my grief and my pain. I have met a wonderful family, who gave me 13 wonderful days with Charlie, The Shockley & Thruston Family, and am truly grateful for their generosity. They are wonderful people and I love them dearly!

I just keep telling myself that one day...I won't cry anymore. I know I get on people's nerves because I ALWAYS talk about Charlie, but I figure, my real friends will listen until I am blue in the face. I have found my real friends, and love each and everyone of them!

For now, I feel I have vented enough, but tomorrow is yet another day.

I love you Charlie!