Christmas without You

Christmas Without You 
by Kaye Des’Ormeaux

It’s going to be a sad Christmas this year
without your laughter & without your cheer.
I’ll miss the sight of you with your Santa’s hat,
and the smile you shared from where you sat.
I’ll think about all the Christmas’s in the past,
and hold to the memories that slipped so fast.
For they’re all I have left to remember,
on this sad Christmas morning in December.
I’ll think about you and cherish each though;
I’ll think of your smile & the happiness it brought.
And as I listen to the church bells ring,
your voice will echo as the choirs sing.
I can never tell you, my love, how sad it will be
to spend Christmas without you here with me.
I just wish you’d touch my heart in such a way,
that I could live through the pain of Christmas Day.
And, help me to remember that your love
is still sent to me from the Heavens above.
And although you won’t decorate my Christmas tree,
Your spirit will light the lights for me to see.
Oh, I’ll hear your voice in each Christmas song.
I’ll see your face in each child that comes along.
And although my heart will be broken and torn…
I’ll know you’re with Jesus on this Christmas morn.
No, Christmas won’t be the same without your smiling face
but I’ll know you’re in a much better place.
I’ll think of my precious child in everything I do…
Cause, it just won’t be “Christmas Without You!”

I HATE the 7th of each month

TODAY SUCKS!!!!

When does keeping count stop? 23 months today. Please shoot me and put me out of my misery! I got so upset last night that I vomitted. I am tired. I remind myself of that DreamRest mattress commerical...dragging myself down the sidewalk because of lack of sleep. When will it end?!

I am too tired to care anymore! Life sucks without you Charlie!!! My sunshine is gone. I don't have to wait for the storm to dance in the rain...my life is rainy EVERYDAY!!!!!!

I reinerate:
TODAY SUCKS!!!!

Will It EVER Get Easy?!

So, I am sitting at work, had a wonderful evening with friends at my bereavement group the night before, when I had to look at the calendar...WHY did I do that? Why? Because I needed to make sure my heart remembered what it feels like to have a knife stuck into it, over and over again...today is Charlie's 22 months of being gone. God how that hurts. I was doing good. I woke up this am, I actually smiled, went to court with my friend, Dayna and when I got back to work, someone asked me..."What is today's date?" So I looked at the calendar...REALLY?! That is all it takes to knock the wind out of my lungs...am I really that weak?! God, I pray not. I just stood there, looking at the calendar...and the lady asked me again..."What is today's date?" I just swallowed REALLY hard, looked at the counter and stated the date. God that hurt.

Charlie, I don't know how to live without you. No matter how hard I try, it doesn't get any easier. When I hurt like this, I just want to lash out at the first person to cross me and just keep wrecking havok on everyone and everything I see. I hate this world without you! What am I suppose to do? I can't keep hurting like this. I thought that after a while, the pain would turn to numbness...but it hasn't. It just gets worse and worse, harder and harder to live each day. This season doesn't make things any easier...this was our time to have fun, we would laugh and snicker looking at all the costumes for Halloween, waited for family gatherings for Thanksgiving and ohh' and ahh'd at all the Christmas lights. Always making detours on our way home to see if we could find "new" lights to see on our way home. I miss that so much! Please, someone give me strength! Charlie, I need you more than ever right now. Please send me some strength! Because like a balloon deflating, I too have, in a matter of minutes. Damn this life sux!!!!

I just want to know...WILL IT EVER GET EASY? To breathe, to walk, to talk and make sense...when?! If you know...please let me know!

Happiness?

So, my questions are these...Will happiness return for a parent who has lost a child? Does it make parents of a lost child look awful for smiling/laughing? Are we allowed to smile/laugh? Am I following in my mother's footsteps with the life I am leading now? Is that life so wrong? Was she happy with that life? and on and on and on.

     According to Cherry, Yes, happiness will return, no you do not look awful for smiling/laughing, yes you  are allowed to smile/laugh...if it funny, I am probably following in my mother's footsteps, and it is ok to do so, no it is not wrong and we can only assume that she was happy.

So, if everything is allowed, then why do I think of myself as a bad person. I know my mother was not perfect, and until cancer took her life in 2010, she was finally happy...and free. Everything in my life right now is about freedom...sad. It is sad that right now, I feel like a prisoner and now I totally understand how the jailed inmates feel. They just want freedom, just like me.

Then, as my day goes on, and on, and on, I ask myself..."Why did God choose me to feel this awful?" "What have I done to piss him off to the point that he took one of the two best things in my life from me?" Hell, I had to have done something wrong...God only punishes the bad. I think I would rather take a 1000 lashing with a whip than to feel the way that I do. Hell, with the lashing...the whelp and cuts heal, the pain goes away, and you move on. This pain that I have now will NEVER heal, the whelps and cuts are a constant, seeping, bleeding sore and I don't feel as if I can EVER move on.

I feel like Jesus in the Passions of the Christ (which was Charlie's favorite movie). Torn, battered, whipped...defeated. Or at least that is what his face betrays in the movie...defeat. Where did my strength go? I used to think I was strong...but now I just feel weak, lost...and most of all....DEFEATED!!!! UGHHHHH!

Do you know the other day someone asked me who I loved. I said no one. I don't have a heart that could even begin to love...don't get me wrong, I love my oldest son, and would die for him, as would have done for Charlie, but other than him, my heart just doesn't function like that anymore. It is like my heart is encased in a thick wall of ice, never to melt, and I don't think that I will EVER open my heart just to have everything stripped away again. What sucks is that I want my freedom, but I am scared to death that I will die old, miserable and alone...SUX!!!! But hey, I will be free.

When I was a little girl...maybe 5 or 6, I remember living in an apartment complex in Nebraska. And EVERYDAY when we played outside, this old, nasty tempered woman would sit on her balcony and yell at us not to play near her balcony, not to be loud and basically, not to talk to her, AT ALL. When she would be mean, I would run home and tell my mom she was an old, mean woman. Momma would shake her head and say she must of had a hard life. So, one day, my parents made her an Easter basket and my dad made my sister and I take it too her...I was PETRIFIED!!!! I didn't want her yelling at me or Sandy, definitely didn't want her to throw it at me, so I was scared. But, when we walked over and handed her the basket...she cried. Thanked us and went inside. (Momma had made all kinds of homemade goodies and put them in the basket.) Everyday after that, the old lady would wave at my sister and me and would actually smile when we rode our bikes or played by her balcony.

Then one day, she wasn't there anymore. Everyday my sister and I would go outside thinking she would be there that day, but she wasn't. About two or three weeks later, my dad called us into the living room and explained to us that the reason she wasn't there anymore was because she had died. She had fallen, broke her hip and died in the hospital. (The landlord told my dad.) He explained to us that the reason she was so hateful and mean...she was all alone. Her husband had died MANY years ago, she had no children, and all her family was gone as well. I remember feeling so awful for her...swearing that I would NEVER be that woman on the balcony yelling at the children as they played, rode their bikes and acted like children. But, I have to say...everyday I feel more and more like that little old, mean, hateful, deranged woman. I have a hard time being with children or even around children, I just keep thinking...that should be my Charlie; running, jumping and laughing. He would have been in the 5th grade this year. I see his school mates and just want to cry.

My one question...always and forever...why!!!!

Avoiding Life

Ok, I know, I have totally been avoiding this blog...sowwy. It would appear that some months are better than others. I don't know what it was about September, but I just could not get going, let alone THINK! I work, I sleep (not often) and work again. My new friend is coffee, which, by the way, I can't stand the taste of, and 5 hour energy shots. How pathetic is that?!

So, my last post I stated how my patience is getting thin...guess what, it hasn't thickened up any since August 30th. But I have come to a realization, I need to live for me now. From 2000 to 2009, I lived for Charlie. Not that I am complaining, but I slept, ate and dreamed of schedules for medications, checking on his breathing, listening for "sleeping" sounds of a baby, toddler and then "kid". Then the last two years I have just survived. I am tired of just surviving...I want to live again. I know that in the situation that I am in now, it just won't happen. But I am slowly trying to make that dream a reality. But even that drains me, physically and mentally.

I have started a second job, that I am soooo loving, and for once, I don't mind staying up past 10pm if I have to work. Usually, when I am home, I am in my pjs before 6pm and in the bed by 9pm. I know why...trying to sleep my misery away...but guess what...IT DOES NOT WORK...darn-it! I am now the scrapbooking teacher at Michaels, my new second job, and I actually know that Charlie brought me here. He knew how much I loved to scrap and be crafty and I honestly think he guided me to this job. On my way to work one day, I just happened to go by the mall and actually pay attention to what was going on there and saw the hiring sign...I immediately went to my first job, (which I love also) and applied. Within three days, I was called and before I knew it...bam (as Charlie would say when something went right)...I had a second job. Thank you, Charlie, and God, of course. Without either one, I would not be standing in these shoes right now.

I don't know how many people are feeling as I do now, but I know that I am tired of always crying, and I want to laugh again...whole-heartedly. I want to laugh until I pee my pants. Maybe one day...but it sure isn't today. I am trying...for now, I will continue to avoid life and just survive, because right now, that is all I know how to do.

My Grief Wish List

I stole this from my dear friend, Ashley Quarles' page...I too can so relate to this!!!!

MY GRIEF WISH LIST

.....I wish you would not be afraid to speak my loved one’s name. They lived and were important and I need to hear their name.

......If I cry or get emotional if we talk about my loved one, I wish you knew that it isn’t because you have hurt me: the fact they have died has caused my tears. You have allowed me to cry and I thank you. Crying and emotional outbursts are healing.

......I wish you wouldn’t let my loved one die again by removing from your home his pictures, artwork or other remembrances.

......I will have emotional highs and lows, up and down. I wish you wouldn’t think that if I have a good day my grief is all over, or that if I have a bad day, I need psychiatric counseling.

.....I wish you knew that the death of a child is different from other losses and must be viewed separately. It is the ultimate tragedy and I wish you wouldn’t compare it to your loss of a parent, a spouse or a pet.

....Being a bereaved person is not contagious, so I wish you wouldn’t stay away from me.
I wish you knew all the crazy grief reactions that I am having are in fact very normal. Depression, anger, frustration and hopelessness and the questioning of values and beliefs are to be expected following a death.

.....I wish you wouldn’t expect my grief to be over in six months. The first few years are going to be exceedingly traumatic for us. As with alcoholics I will never be ‘cured’ or a ‘formerly bereaved’, but forever a ‘recovering’ from my bereavement.

....I wish you understood the physical reaction to grief. I may gain weight or lose weight, sleep all the time or not at all, develop a lot of illness and be accident prone, all of which are related to my grief.

.....Our loved one’s birthday, the anniversary of her death and the holidays are terrible times for us. I wish you could tell me that you are thinking about them on these days and if we get quiet and withdrawn, just know that we are thinking about them and don’t try to coerce us into being cheerful.

.....I wish you wouldn’t offer to take me out for a drink, or to a party. This is just a temporary crutch and the only way I can get through this grief is to experience it. I have to hurt before I can heal.

....I wish you understood that grief changes people. I am not the same person I was before my loved one died and I never will be that person again. If you keep waiting for me to get back to ‘my old self’, you will stay frustrated. I am a new creature with new thoughts, dreams, aspirations, values and beliefs. Please try to get to know the new me: maybe you will still like me.

Beaten, Bruised and Broken...

So, today, I am having MAJOR issues with patience. I have tried all morning to post comments to my friends blog and dog gone it...the damn machine won't cooperate. I would normally say it has to be a user malfunction, but I have done EVERYTHING I know to get the posts to occur other than as annonymous. I am a follower on these sites machine!!! Wake up and post my friggin' comments...dang...just hurry up will you.

So, I have come to the conclusion that my patience has been stretched way over the limits that it is accustom to. As I reflect on my last 20 months...I have realized that my patience has gotten thinner and thinner and I basically have NO patience for anyone anymore...including myself. How sad is that...to be frustrated at oneself? I have noticed that my temper flares more often than not, I want to pick up things and throw them at anyone who looks at me wrong, and for some reason...I would love to get in a brawl!!! Just to be able to vent my inpatience and frustrations would be AWESOME!!!! I need a good punching bag...one that doesn't tell me everything is going to be okay, one that doesn't say it will get better, one that doesn't say your pain will heal in time...one that will just let me punch it over and over and over...like my heart feels like it has been treated...Beaten, Bruised and Broken...

I ask myself all the time...am I the only one that feels this beaten, bruised and broken? I see my friends that have lost children, I try to be the light of hope to them, but where is my light. I know that Ashley, Lori and Susan are there for me, but who do I talk to when my light is dim and fading? I can't say that I would love to find a rock and crawl under it and never come out, or that I too have thoughts of suicide and death...and just pray that I will find freedom before that becomes reality.

Does anyone know that I dream of ways to die? That I just think...if I could drive my car into a tree, or run head on into a semi, or jump from the tallest building I can find? I miss my Charlie everyday...and sometimes the pain is so raw that I can't take it anymore. Then I have to listen to Chuck...ughhhh. We have been married for 12 years, and 7 of those years...we weren't really married. I was focused on Charlie, he was focused on himself. Now that Charlie is gone, all I hear is how he misses Charlie and it just grates my nerves. How many times did he tell Charlie, no, you can't do something with me because he was going to a friend's house, or he ate Charlie's candy or chips and would make Charlie cry because he did. I don't want to hear your bullshit!!! How do you do this to a child and then cry because he is gone? You should be crying...you wasted valuable time with Charlie being selfish...ughhhh. I could go on and on about Chuck...I just know that I am truly done and so very tired...

Cherry seems to think that once I find my freedom I will blossom and grow. I don't feel that way though. I feel wilted and all dried up. Pine needles that have fallen from the tree and left to dry out on the ground...I just pray that something happens and soon!!! Misery is a lonely place to live for the rest of your life. I just pray that I don't stay beaten, bruised and broken forever!!!!

Always in My Mind

I saw Cherry yesterday. For most people, that is nothing special; but for me...it is EVERYTHING! I have close friends, I have friends that are in the same boat as I am, but I truly hate to lean on them when they are in their darkest hours. So, I truly rely on Cherry for venting.

Let me tell you a little about Cherry. Cherry is very similar to me. She tells it how it is...and I LOVE IT!!! She doesn't judge me when I complain. She doesn't yell at me when I disagree with myself or anyone else, including her, and she always makes me laugh at myself. That, for me, is AWESOME!!! I am so used to people laughing at me, not with me, so I forget that I am aloud to laugh at myself and it be okay. She explains to me why things are going through my mind that should not be, she gives me awesome ideas for crafts and many words of wisdom. Cherry is my tree...ironic...I love cherries....lol.

So, as I said, I saw Cherry yesterday. And I love her when she helps me put things into perspective...11 months...whoot whoot. Then maybe some freedom. There will never be freedom from my loss of Charlie. That will always eat at me. Was it my fault for not pushing the doctors for an earlier heart cath...cause I tried. Was it my fault to make the decision to turn the machine off...no, it was in Charlie's best interest. But these are the type of things that run through my mind, along with many other things and people. Why I dispise this person, why I need my freedom...all these things run through my mind like a rushing river, constantly erroding my thoughts. But with Cherry, I will make it.

I started another craft idea and told Cherry about it yesterday. She loved it...so of course, she will be the first to receive my AWESOME idea as a gift. I am excited about this new idea, and can't wait to post a pic. But that is another post...

As I think back about the session I had with Cherry last evening, I keep thinking that Charlie is forever present in my mind when I speak. I keep questioning myself if what I am doing in my life is selfish, or would Charlie understand. I truly want to believe that Charlie would understand and would totally approve. I pray that he does...because he is constantly in my mind when I think of my future. My future scares me...but it is something that must be done. My only hope...that I am not alone. I am scared of being alone. But I can not stay in the situation that I am in now...something has to change...God knows that...so I just keep praying and planning. For not only is Charlie always on my mind...my hopes and dreams are too.

Am I Weird or Something?

I sit here, daily, and read other people's blogs about loosing their dear children, and although I feel their pain, the sharp shards from broken dreams ripping at my heart, I wonder why I have so easily accepted that Charlie is gone.

Now don't get me wrong...I wake up every morning and am like a robot...get out of bed, let the dogs out, feed the dogs, take daily medications, take a shower (I even have a certain pattern in the shower I follow), dry and style hair, apply makeup, get on facebook, get dressed...go to work. All day I think of Charlie, and sometimes I get really angry that he is gone, but in my heart, I know that he is okay...and no matter how angry I get, I don't have these raw, stinging emotions like other mothers do. Then I wonder...am I weird or something? I should feel some kind of raw, stinging emotions, but then I justify that Charlie is not in any pain any longer. Not having to be stuck with needles, wear heart monitors, take those God awful medicaitons, not throwing up when his heart gets into a wreckless beat, not becoming stark white and lithargic when he isn't feeling well, etc. It is like I am covering up how I truly feel with excuses. But are they excuses?

I know, in my heart, no matter how much I truly miss him, that he IS better off. And that God, both my grand mothers, my mother and all of Chuck's famiy are with him and that he is loved and taken care of. And no matter how much I want to hold, touch, caress, laugh, cry, tuck him in at night, I know that one day I will be able to do all those things, and the only thing that keeps me going in my robotic state is knowing...Charlie is safe. Does all this make me weird? Or just in denial? Gosh, I get so frustrated sometimes that I am not able to show my emotions like others do. I am definitely weird!!!!

Sarcasm Runs My Life Right Now.

Last night was absolutely fabulous, as usual, when I meet with "The Gurls". I hated that Lori missed, but I know she is going through a lot right now. My heart aches for her.

Why does the "Why" question never get answered after the child dies? Is it so difficult to let me know why? I read all these terrible stories about children that were abused, neglected, housed in dog cages, left in basements to live their lives and obviously you would think that God would take these children first, to help ease their pain. Why take a child that was cherished, loved, and insightful away from parents that need that child more than life itself? I tell you, the day I buried my son, was the day my heart left my body, and I doubt that it will ever return. I just can not grasp the knowledge of knowing that Charlie is gone, FOREVER!!! That is the nastiest word in my vocabulary. I can live without a husband, I can live without my mother; for they are to leave before us; but I can not live FOREVER without my children. So, what goes in the spot where my heart used to be? Because right now it feels like it is filled with lead, from all the anger and resentment that I feel. Will that heavy, gashing hole ever fill and close with something other than anger and resentment? I just don't know, and honestly, I doubt it. I want to find a hole, preferrably next to Charlie, and cover myself up with the dirt and hide. It sucks that 20 months have gone by and I still feel this way. I was told that pain will ease away with time...well whoever said that...LIED!!!! I don't think that person ever felt the loss of a child nor would understand how I just want to knock the hell out of him/her for saying that. And if I hear one more time...he is with God, or the Angels or better off...I think I may go psycho...  I know that Charlie loved God, and that he is with God and that he is, in my eyes, the most beautiful of all angels in Heaven, but I, for the life of me, can not figure out why he is better off where he is. He will eventually have worms, bugs and other nasty creepy crawlies crawling though his body, in a cold/hot hole in the ground (depending on the season) instead of being with me. How is that better off? I say the hell with everyone who says such insensitive things...THINK BEFORE YOU SPEAK, JERK!!!

Well, I can obviously say that I really need to see Cherry today...can anyone else tell. My mind goes away and I am left with sarcasm and attitude...not that I don't live my daily life with sarcasm and attitude, it just gets worse when I need a Cherry Fix...

Well, until tomorrow....

Brain Farts and Friendships

I have NEVER been one to forget things...my momma used to say that I had the mind of an elephant...I remember things that NO ONE would want to remember...like walking out of the bathroom in high school with toilet paper stuck to my foot fluttering in the wind as I walked...everyone that laughed, does not remember it today...boy I do, and they were my close friends that were laughing...

But here lately, I have CRS (Can't Remember Squatt). And it frustrates me. I NEVER had to use a calendar to keep up with dates, let alone birthdays, anniversaries, doctor appointments and so on. Now I don't go anywhere without my datebook. Is that sad or what. Than I get on here, thinking I have been writing on this blog and darned it...not in over a month. Can I say Crap and get away with it? I have no excuses. My brain just prefers to fart more than work...

Anyways, this is what has been happening...

On August 6th, Ashley and myself created an event for bereaved families, and we had a scrapbooking event. It was nice. Although secretly we were wishing for more people to show up, we had 6. I think that is a darned good start. Perhaps next year it will be bigger...we are praying...we would like to have an annual scrapping event for our Whispering Angels Bereavement Group.

On August 7th, Charlie had been gone for 20 months, but it always seems like yesterday. But I don't consider the 7th Charlie's day of death. I always think that the 13th is. That is because I buried my son on the 13th, his 9th birthday, and that was the day that I could no longer touch, hold or talk directly to his face. God how I miss that young man...I can honestly say the 13th of August was worst for me than the 7th.

Anyhows, it has been 20 months since my Charlie left this world and not a day goes by that I don't want to touch, hold, or laugh with him. He always had a smile on his face. Too bad I don't.

I have met some wonderful people with our bereavement group: Susan, Lori, Ashley and myself. I am grateful every week for our discussions...it reminds me that I am human, and suppose to feel like crap some days and I am allowed to smile. I just have to remind myself that I am allowed to smile and not feel bad for doing so. One day....

When Will It End?

Today has been a long, hard day. I started out good this am...not letting myself look at a calendar...then damn, someone asked my what the date was...how can something so innocent start a downhill spiral? I just sat there. I wanted to cry, but didn't want the world to see that I actually have a heart...and that it is broken, beyond repair. I thank God everyday for Eric, but I still miss my Charlie Brown...as Janet Jackson says..."That's the way love goes." I have decided I don't have a heart. It was shattered the day Charlie died, and I, in all truth and honesty, don't give a flying flip anymore. I am tired of trying to be what everyone else wants me to be...I am just gonna be me...if you don't like it...walk the other way.

I  can honestly say that I need a break...from life. I wish I could get on a plane and fly...never looking back, but unfortunately, not going forward. I just keep saying "If only" Well, what about if only...if only I could go back to when Charlie was healthy...if only I could have prevented his pain...if only I could have helped him...if only, if only, if only...I kind of feel like Scrooge...bah humbug...I just don't give a flying rats tail anymore...maybe tomorrow will be a better day...but today...everything has gone to hell in a handbag...so F it....

If only....

Today is just another day to try and survive. I have started seeing a new doctor, Cherry, and I have to say that she has helped me tremendously. I have only had one session with her, but I finally had a good laugh and was told I wasn't crazy...how good that felt. Now if I can only realize the truth in what I have been told. I feel like I am going stark mad crazy, loosing track of thoughts in mid sentence, forgetting important dates, forgetting how I get to places (as if my car is on autopilot) wondering how many red lights I drove through and always asking myself, "How the Hell did I get here?!" That is the scariest part...not realizing where and what I am doing.

I go to bed at night, wanting so bad to dream of Charlie, instead, I dream of black, shadowy figures, running as hard as I can; urgently; and getting no where...that light is always just outside my grasp. And then, when I wake up, I am exhausted and trying for the life of my what I was dreaming about. It is soooo frustrating sometimes. The only thing that seems to calm my frustration and aggravation is when I work on my crafts. Thank God for my crafting. Always looking for something to keep my mind off of the pain. I am so glad that Father's Day is coming up. I have been working on crafts for both my father and Kyle, a friend who lost his son 22 days before Charlie. My sanity is definitely in my crafts.

Oh well, today is just a day of blah, blah, blah...with nothing to really say. I am grateful that I have my blog. Another sanity ploy...hopefully.

Today

I woke up this morning, trying not to realize what today actually was. 18 months ago, I had to make the hardest decision of my life...one that I NEVER want to repeat. I pray that if this decision ever presents itself to me again, that someone else will help me. I HATE having the weight of that decision on my heart, shoulders and soul.

18 months ago, my Charlie died, and to this day, I am still numb. Numb with disbelief, numb with hatred, numb with anger, numb from loneliness. I always expected for me to die, and that Charlie would live to fulfill his dreams, to become a doctor and find a cure for HLHS. So now, I will try with all my might to carry on his dream. But today, I will wither up and curl into a ball and withdraw another step within myself. Another step into the cold, dark and scary hole that I call a soul. Do I still have a soul? I have been so angry at God, I can't even step into church for Sunday Services without wanting to yell that everything the preacher states are all lies. Is this normal? Because I, in no way, feel normal...unless numb is normal. I don't sleep, I gorge on food from depression and live in misery. I can honestly understand the statement: "Just shoot me." But then I pray to God to forgive me for my frustrations, my anger and my evil thoughts. I pray Charlie knows that I am not the mean, evil person I am turning into.

18 months ago today, I lost my best friend, my youngest child and my sanity...I know I will never get my buddy back, but will I ever become sane again? I don't see it anytime in my near future...I want to find a hole and fall in...maybe one day.........

I am bad with writting So....

When I was in college, I had a teacher that assigned me a journal for the entire semester...I hated it. I don't know why, I just didn't think that I had the time to write everyday. Now I wish I had. I could have written how I felt and what I thought about Charlie and his life. I have thought about it, and wish that I had documented his life, because I think his life would have made for a great book. All I can do is tell you that Charlie was my sweet, sweet angel. God knows that I miss him everyday and that I thank God everyday for the time I had with Charlie. Charlie is my hero...he never complained, never asked why and would always tell me that everything would be okay...God said so. It would appear that he had more faith than I did. But, one day, I will see my dear Charlie and be able to hug him and kiss him anytime I want. Until then, I wait.

Since my last blog entry, I have befriended some very dear mothers who have suffered the same ill fate as I, loosing a child. Ashley, Susan, Lori and I have been meeting weekly and as I told Ashley last week, when I leave the meetings, I feel lighter and look forward to seeing them next week. Before the meetings, I didn't look forward to anything, just making it to the next day. Thank you Ashley, Susan and Lori.

I have noticed that I never talk about how I feel, when I do talk about feelings, it is usually in the third person. Maybe one day I will be able to open up, for now, I still need to work on realizing how I feel. Soon, I will be able to open up, and God only knows it won't be pretty.

Eric Brian Hassler

Today has been fairly good. It hit me like a ton of bricks that Charlie has been gone 16 months and 7 days. Wow! It is weird how the days fly by but I feel like I am living in slow motion. Today I am gonna talk a little about my oldest son, Eric. He is my "freak" child.

He is covered in tattoo, but deep down, he is very sentimental and kind. He too has had a lot of loss in his life, too. When he was in the 8th grade a very good friend, Adam Bradbury, committed suicide. It devastated him. He is one to always be there to help a friend, and he had no idea that this child was being tortured by kids at school. Adam never said a word to him about it. Then his Granny-Granny died, then Charlie, then his Nana, then my mom. He was close to all of these people. I think he is scared to get close to anyone else for fear of loosing them too. That is why he keeps a distance and his feelings in check. It is sad that he isn't even 21 yet and is so guarded. Whatever happened to being young and carefree? It sux for him. So, a little about him. Eric Brian was born July 16, 1990 and was 10 pounds at birth. Large and in charge...lol. He was my pride and joy. Was the cutest, most precious little boy I knew...that's a mom being prejudice. lol. He was head strong from the get go and wouldn't let anyone tell him anything different. Today, he is the same way...I have NO idea where he gets it from...lol. He likes to be independent and not have to ask for anything. He doesn't realize that you can still be strong and still need help. I am hoping one day he will realize that. Anyways, I can't believe that he will be 21 this year. It seems like only yesterday that he was a little boy, playing in the sand at Nana's house. What happened to all that time I thought that I would have with my little boy? He grew up too fast! Now he is out of school, trying to become a tattoo artist and having to be a grown up. I want my baby back!!!!

I can say, that if it were not for my baby, I don't think I would be here today. He made me promise to stay here for him, and I would never think of breaking that promise. To be honest, I was surprised he could read my thought. After Charlie passed, all I could think was what am I gonna do with myself. For the majority of my life, I was Eric and Charlie's mom. Eric no longer lives at home, and Charlie is gone, my mom was dying and all I could think to myself, what is there left for me? But Eric pulled me aside and said "Promise me you won't do anything to yourself." I was floored. I could not believe he could read my mind and know what I was thinking. But I tried to play it off. "I promise I have no intentions to harm myself. I have you to focus on." But it was scary how much of my mind he read. I now realize I have other purposes...to make sure Eric survives this thing we call life. I am grateful I have Eric and am proud to call him my son. He is such a wonderful person. And I pray that people can see past the tattoos and harsh exterior to see the wonderful young man I have for a son.

So there you have it sports fans. My oldest son in a nut shell. Crazy and stubborn like his mother, and unfortunately, he looks like his dad. But I still call him mine!

Where Do I Start?!

It seems like yesterday that I had to turn the machine off on my son and say good-bye. Some days I actually think I am going to make it...then other days, I wonder why I am still walking this Earth.

There isn't a day that goes by that I don't just want to scream and want to know why. Why my son, who fought with all his might, why not me instead of my Charlie, what had I done to make God take my baby since he was already taking my mom from me and I pray the donor family doesn't think we just gave up. Why did God make me decide to let him go and why did he put me through this. I was already mad at God for my mom getting lung cancer, and taking my very best friend from me, but why Charlie. He had so much he wanted to do in his life. He wanted to be a doctor and try to find a cure for the heart defect that he was born with, trying to ease the pain of another child(ren). Does God get pleasure in seeing his children cry? feel like their hearts are being ripped out? why!!!!

So, am I allowed to be angry with God?! I quit going to church because I felt like a hypocrite sitting in a pew, listening to His word being preached knowing that I was so angry with Him that I wanted to scream that the preachings were just lies!!! Then one day, I sat there and as I pondered my anger, I realized, God knew I would be mad...I am such a control freak, but He still is carrying me, no matter how angry I am. I read the "Footprints in the Sand" and knew that he will always be with me, and that even though people say you can't be mad at God, I know that you can. Just like when you get mad at you spouse or child. Doesn't mean you don't love them...you just don't like what they have said or done. You still love them...so, just to let everyone reading this know...you can be mad at God, and still love him. He expects that, I think, and excepts us for who he created us to be. Me, He made me a control freak with a bad temper, lol, but He still loves me, and I Him. So, that made me feel better about my feelings of anger, but I still didn't get an answer why Charlie. Maybe one day.

Until I get that answer, I have come to realize that I have made great new friends, who understand my anger, my sorrow, my grief and my pain. I have met a wonderful family, who gave me 13 wonderful days with Charlie, The Shockley & Thruston Family, and am truly grateful for their generosity. They are wonderful people and I love them dearly!

I just keep telling myself that one day...I won't cry anymore. I know I get on people's nerves because I ALWAYS talk about Charlie, but I figure, my real friends will listen until I am blue in the face. I have found my real friends, and love each and everyone of them!

For now, I feel I have vented enough, but tomorrow is yet another day.

I love you Charlie!