Today is just another day to try and survive. I have started seeing a new doctor, Cherry, and I have to say that she has helped me tremendously. I have only had one session with her, but I finally had a good laugh and was told I wasn't crazy...how good that felt. Now if I can only realize the truth in what I have been told. I feel like I am going stark mad crazy, loosing track of thoughts in mid sentence, forgetting important dates, forgetting how I get to places (as if my car is on autopilot) wondering how many red lights I drove through and always asking myself, "How the Hell did I get here?!" That is the scariest part...not realizing where and what I am doing.

I go to bed at night, wanting so bad to dream of Charlie, instead, I dream of black, shadowy figures, running as hard as I can; urgently; and getting no where...that light is always just outside my grasp. And then, when I wake up, I am exhausted and trying for the life of my what I was dreaming about. It is soooo frustrating sometimes. The only thing that seems to calm my frustration and aggravation is when I work on my crafts. Thank God for my crafting. Always looking for something to keep my mind off of the pain. I am so glad that Father's Day is coming up. I have been working on crafts for both my father and Kyle, a friend who lost his son 22 days before Charlie. My sanity is definitely in my crafts.

Oh well, today is just a day of blah, blah, blah...with nothing to really say. I am grateful that I have my blog. Another sanity ploy...hopefully.

Today

I woke up this morning, trying not to realize what today actually was. 18 months ago, I had to make the hardest decision of my life...one that I NEVER want to repeat. I pray that if this decision ever presents itself to me again, that someone else will help me. I HATE having the weight of that decision on my heart, shoulders and soul.

18 months ago, my Charlie died, and to this day, I am still numb. Numb with disbelief, numb with hatred, numb with anger, numb from loneliness. I always expected for me to die, and that Charlie would live to fulfill his dreams, to become a doctor and find a cure for HLHS. So now, I will try with all my might to carry on his dream. But today, I will wither up and curl into a ball and withdraw another step within myself. Another step into the cold, dark and scary hole that I call a soul. Do I still have a soul? I have been so angry at God, I can't even step into church for Sunday Services without wanting to yell that everything the preacher states are all lies. Is this normal? Because I, in no way, feel normal...unless numb is normal. I don't sleep, I gorge on food from depression and live in misery. I can honestly understand the statement: "Just shoot me." But then I pray to God to forgive me for my frustrations, my anger and my evil thoughts. I pray Charlie knows that I am not the mean, evil person I am turning into.

18 months ago today, I lost my best friend, my youngest child and my sanity...I know I will never get my buddy back, but will I ever become sane again? I don't see it anytime in my near future...I want to find a hole and fall in...maybe one day.........