Beaten, Bruised and Broken...

So, today, I am having MAJOR issues with patience. I have tried all morning to post comments to my friends blog and dog gone it...the damn machine won't cooperate. I would normally say it has to be a user malfunction, but I have done EVERYTHING I know to get the posts to occur other than as annonymous. I am a follower on these sites machine!!! Wake up and post my friggin' comments...dang...just hurry up will you.

So, I have come to the conclusion that my patience has been stretched way over the limits that it is accustom to. As I reflect on my last 20 months...I have realized that my patience has gotten thinner and thinner and I basically have NO patience for anyone anymore...including myself. How sad is that...to be frustrated at oneself? I have noticed that my temper flares more often than not, I want to pick up things and throw them at anyone who looks at me wrong, and for some reason...I would love to get in a brawl!!! Just to be able to vent my inpatience and frustrations would be AWESOME!!!! I need a good punching bag...one that doesn't tell me everything is going to be okay, one that doesn't say it will get better, one that doesn't say your pain will heal in time...one that will just let me punch it over and over and over...like my heart feels like it has been treated...Beaten, Bruised and Broken...

I ask myself all the time...am I the only one that feels this beaten, bruised and broken? I see my friends that have lost children, I try to be the light of hope to them, but where is my light. I know that Ashley, Lori and Susan are there for me, but who do I talk to when my light is dim and fading? I can't say that I would love to find a rock and crawl under it and never come out, or that I too have thoughts of suicide and death...and just pray that I will find freedom before that becomes reality.

Does anyone know that I dream of ways to die? That I just think...if I could drive my car into a tree, or run head on into a semi, or jump from the tallest building I can find? I miss my Charlie everyday...and sometimes the pain is so raw that I can't take it anymore. Then I have to listen to Chuck...ughhhh. We have been married for 12 years, and 7 of those years...we weren't really married. I was focused on Charlie, he was focused on himself. Now that Charlie is gone, all I hear is how he misses Charlie and it just grates my nerves. How many times did he tell Charlie, no, you can't do something with me because he was going to a friend's house, or he ate Charlie's candy or chips and would make Charlie cry because he did. I don't want to hear your bullshit!!! How do you do this to a child and then cry because he is gone? You should be crying...you wasted valuable time with Charlie being selfish...ughhhh. I could go on and on about Chuck...I just know that I am truly done and so very tired...

Cherry seems to think that once I find my freedom I will blossom and grow. I don't feel that way though. I feel wilted and all dried up. Pine needles that have fallen from the tree and left to dry out on the ground...I just pray that something happens and soon!!! Misery is a lonely place to live for the rest of your life. I just pray that I don't stay beaten, bruised and broken forever!!!!

Always in My Mind

I saw Cherry yesterday. For most people, that is nothing special; but for me...it is EVERYTHING! I have close friends, I have friends that are in the same boat as I am, but I truly hate to lean on them when they are in their darkest hours. So, I truly rely on Cherry for venting.

Let me tell you a little about Cherry. Cherry is very similar to me. She tells it how it is...and I LOVE IT!!! She doesn't judge me when I complain. She doesn't yell at me when I disagree with myself or anyone else, including her, and she always makes me laugh at myself. That, for me, is AWESOME!!! I am so used to people laughing at me, not with me, so I forget that I am aloud to laugh at myself and it be okay. She explains to me why things are going through my mind that should not be, she gives me awesome ideas for crafts and many words of wisdom. Cherry is my tree...ironic...I love cherries....lol.

So, as I said, I saw Cherry yesterday. And I love her when she helps me put things into perspective...11 months...whoot whoot. Then maybe some freedom. There will never be freedom from my loss of Charlie. That will always eat at me. Was it my fault for not pushing the doctors for an earlier heart cath...cause I tried. Was it my fault to make the decision to turn the machine off...no, it was in Charlie's best interest. But these are the type of things that run through my mind, along with many other things and people. Why I dispise this person, why I need my freedom...all these things run through my mind like a rushing river, constantly erroding my thoughts. But with Cherry, I will make it.

I started another craft idea and told Cherry about it yesterday. She loved it...so of course, she will be the first to receive my AWESOME idea as a gift. I am excited about this new idea, and can't wait to post a pic. But that is another post...

As I think back about the session I had with Cherry last evening, I keep thinking that Charlie is forever present in my mind when I speak. I keep questioning myself if what I am doing in my life is selfish, or would Charlie understand. I truly want to believe that Charlie would understand and would totally approve. I pray that he does...because he is constantly in my mind when I think of my future. My future scares me...but it is something that must be done. My only hope...that I am not alone. I am scared of being alone. But I can not stay in the situation that I am in now...something has to change...God knows that...so I just keep praying and planning. For not only is Charlie always on my mind...my hopes and dreams are too.

Am I Weird or Something?

I sit here, daily, and read other people's blogs about loosing their dear children, and although I feel their pain, the sharp shards from broken dreams ripping at my heart, I wonder why I have so easily accepted that Charlie is gone.

Now don't get me wrong...I wake up every morning and am like a robot...get out of bed, let the dogs out, feed the dogs, take daily medications, take a shower (I even have a certain pattern in the shower I follow), dry and style hair, apply makeup, get on facebook, get dressed...go to work. All day I think of Charlie, and sometimes I get really angry that he is gone, but in my heart, I know that he is okay...and no matter how angry I get, I don't have these raw, stinging emotions like other mothers do. Then I wonder...am I weird or something? I should feel some kind of raw, stinging emotions, but then I justify that Charlie is not in any pain any longer. Not having to be stuck with needles, wear heart monitors, take those God awful medicaitons, not throwing up when his heart gets into a wreckless beat, not becoming stark white and lithargic when he isn't feeling well, etc. It is like I am covering up how I truly feel with excuses. But are they excuses?

I know, in my heart, no matter how much I truly miss him, that he IS better off. And that God, both my grand mothers, my mother and all of Chuck's famiy are with him and that he is loved and taken care of. And no matter how much I want to hold, touch, caress, laugh, cry, tuck him in at night, I know that one day I will be able to do all those things, and the only thing that keeps me going in my robotic state is knowing...Charlie is safe. Does all this make me weird? Or just in denial? Gosh, I get so frustrated sometimes that I am not able to show my emotions like others do. I am definitely weird!!!!

Sarcasm Runs My Life Right Now.

Last night was absolutely fabulous, as usual, when I meet with "The Gurls". I hated that Lori missed, but I know she is going through a lot right now. My heart aches for her.

Why does the "Why" question never get answered after the child dies? Is it so difficult to let me know why? I read all these terrible stories about children that were abused, neglected, housed in dog cages, left in basements to live their lives and obviously you would think that God would take these children first, to help ease their pain. Why take a child that was cherished, loved, and insightful away from parents that need that child more than life itself? I tell you, the day I buried my son, was the day my heart left my body, and I doubt that it will ever return. I just can not grasp the knowledge of knowing that Charlie is gone, FOREVER!!! That is the nastiest word in my vocabulary. I can live without a husband, I can live without my mother; for they are to leave before us; but I can not live FOREVER without my children. So, what goes in the spot where my heart used to be? Because right now it feels like it is filled with lead, from all the anger and resentment that I feel. Will that heavy, gashing hole ever fill and close with something other than anger and resentment? I just don't know, and honestly, I doubt it. I want to find a hole, preferrably next to Charlie, and cover myself up with the dirt and hide. It sucks that 20 months have gone by and I still feel this way. I was told that pain will ease away with time...well whoever said that...LIED!!!! I don't think that person ever felt the loss of a child nor would understand how I just want to knock the hell out of him/her for saying that. And if I hear one more time...he is with God, or the Angels or better off...I think I may go psycho...  I know that Charlie loved God, and that he is with God and that he is, in my eyes, the most beautiful of all angels in Heaven, but I, for the life of me, can not figure out why he is better off where he is. He will eventually have worms, bugs and other nasty creepy crawlies crawling though his body, in a cold/hot hole in the ground (depending on the season) instead of being with me. How is that better off? I say the hell with everyone who says such insensitive things...THINK BEFORE YOU SPEAK, JERK!!!

Well, I can obviously say that I really need to see Cherry today...can anyone else tell. My mind goes away and I am left with sarcasm and attitude...not that I don't live my daily life with sarcasm and attitude, it just gets worse when I need a Cherry Fix...

Well, until tomorrow....

Brain Farts and Friendships

I have NEVER been one to forget things...my momma used to say that I had the mind of an elephant...I remember things that NO ONE would want to remember...like walking out of the bathroom in high school with toilet paper stuck to my foot fluttering in the wind as I walked...everyone that laughed, does not remember it today...boy I do, and they were my close friends that were laughing...

But here lately, I have CRS (Can't Remember Squatt). And it frustrates me. I NEVER had to use a calendar to keep up with dates, let alone birthdays, anniversaries, doctor appointments and so on. Now I don't go anywhere without my datebook. Is that sad or what. Than I get on here, thinking I have been writing on this blog and darned it...not in over a month. Can I say Crap and get away with it? I have no excuses. My brain just prefers to fart more than work...

Anyways, this is what has been happening...

On August 6th, Ashley and myself created an event for bereaved families, and we had a scrapbooking event. It was nice. Although secretly we were wishing for more people to show up, we had 6. I think that is a darned good start. Perhaps next year it will be bigger...we are praying...we would like to have an annual scrapping event for our Whispering Angels Bereavement Group.

On August 7th, Charlie had been gone for 20 months, but it always seems like yesterday. But I don't consider the 7th Charlie's day of death. I always think that the 13th is. That is because I buried my son on the 13th, his 9th birthday, and that was the day that I could no longer touch, hold or talk directly to his face. God how I miss that young man...I can honestly say the 13th of August was worst for me than the 7th.

Anyhows, it has been 20 months since my Charlie left this world and not a day goes by that I don't want to touch, hold, or laugh with him. He always had a smile on his face. Too bad I don't.

I have met some wonderful people with our bereavement group: Susan, Lori, Ashley and myself. I am grateful every week for our discussions...it reminds me that I am human, and suppose to feel like crap some days and I am allowed to smile. I just have to remind myself that I am allowed to smile and not feel bad for doing so. One day....