Will It EVER Get Easy?!

So, I am sitting at work, had a wonderful evening with friends at my bereavement group the night before, when I had to look at the calendar...WHY did I do that? Why? Because I needed to make sure my heart remembered what it feels like to have a knife stuck into it, over and over again...today is Charlie's 22 months of being gone. God how that hurts. I was doing good. I woke up this am, I actually smiled, went to court with my friend, Dayna and when I got back to work, someone asked me..."What is today's date?" So I looked at the calendar...REALLY?! That is all it takes to knock the wind out of my lungs...am I really that weak?! God, I pray not. I just stood there, looking at the calendar...and the lady asked me again..."What is today's date?" I just swallowed REALLY hard, looked at the counter and stated the date. God that hurt.

Charlie, I don't know how to live without you. No matter how hard I try, it doesn't get any easier. When I hurt like this, I just want to lash out at the first person to cross me and just keep wrecking havok on everyone and everything I see. I hate this world without you! What am I suppose to do? I can't keep hurting like this. I thought that after a while, the pain would turn to numbness...but it hasn't. It just gets worse and worse, harder and harder to live each day. This season doesn't make things any easier...this was our time to have fun, we would laugh and snicker looking at all the costumes for Halloween, waited for family gatherings for Thanksgiving and ohh' and ahh'd at all the Christmas lights. Always making detours on our way home to see if we could find "new" lights to see on our way home. I miss that so much! Please, someone give me strength! Charlie, I need you more than ever right now. Please send me some strength! Because like a balloon deflating, I too have, in a matter of minutes. Damn this life sux!!!!

I just want to know...WILL IT EVER GET EASY? To breathe, to walk, to talk and make sense...when?! If you know...please let me know!

Happiness?

So, my questions are these...Will happiness return for a parent who has lost a child? Does it make parents of a lost child look awful for smiling/laughing? Are we allowed to smile/laugh? Am I following in my mother's footsteps with the life I am leading now? Is that life so wrong? Was she happy with that life? and on and on and on.

     According to Cherry, Yes, happiness will return, no you do not look awful for smiling/laughing, yes you  are allowed to smile/laugh...if it funny, I am probably following in my mother's footsteps, and it is ok to do so, no it is not wrong and we can only assume that she was happy.

So, if everything is allowed, then why do I think of myself as a bad person. I know my mother was not perfect, and until cancer took her life in 2010, she was finally happy...and free. Everything in my life right now is about freedom...sad. It is sad that right now, I feel like a prisoner and now I totally understand how the jailed inmates feel. They just want freedom, just like me.

Then, as my day goes on, and on, and on, I ask myself..."Why did God choose me to feel this awful?" "What have I done to piss him off to the point that he took one of the two best things in my life from me?" Hell, I had to have done something wrong...God only punishes the bad. I think I would rather take a 1000 lashing with a whip than to feel the way that I do. Hell, with the lashing...the whelp and cuts heal, the pain goes away, and you move on. This pain that I have now will NEVER heal, the whelps and cuts are a constant, seeping, bleeding sore and I don't feel as if I can EVER move on.

I feel like Jesus in the Passions of the Christ (which was Charlie's favorite movie). Torn, battered, whipped...defeated. Or at least that is what his face betrays in the movie...defeat. Where did my strength go? I used to think I was strong...but now I just feel weak, lost...and most of all....DEFEATED!!!! UGHHHHH!

Do you know the other day someone asked me who I loved. I said no one. I don't have a heart that could even begin to love...don't get me wrong, I love my oldest son, and would die for him, as would have done for Charlie, but other than him, my heart just doesn't function like that anymore. It is like my heart is encased in a thick wall of ice, never to melt, and I don't think that I will EVER open my heart just to have everything stripped away again. What sucks is that I want my freedom, but I am scared to death that I will die old, miserable and alone...SUX!!!! But hey, I will be free.

When I was a little girl...maybe 5 or 6, I remember living in an apartment complex in Nebraska. And EVERYDAY when we played outside, this old, nasty tempered woman would sit on her balcony and yell at us not to play near her balcony, not to be loud and basically, not to talk to her, AT ALL. When she would be mean, I would run home and tell my mom she was an old, mean woman. Momma would shake her head and say she must of had a hard life. So, one day, my parents made her an Easter basket and my dad made my sister and I take it too her...I was PETRIFIED!!!! I didn't want her yelling at me or Sandy, definitely didn't want her to throw it at me, so I was scared. But, when we walked over and handed her the basket...she cried. Thanked us and went inside. (Momma had made all kinds of homemade goodies and put them in the basket.) Everyday after that, the old lady would wave at my sister and me and would actually smile when we rode our bikes or played by her balcony.

Then one day, she wasn't there anymore. Everyday my sister and I would go outside thinking she would be there that day, but she wasn't. About two or three weeks later, my dad called us into the living room and explained to us that the reason she wasn't there anymore was because she had died. She had fallen, broke her hip and died in the hospital. (The landlord told my dad.) He explained to us that the reason she was so hateful and mean...she was all alone. Her husband had died MANY years ago, she had no children, and all her family was gone as well. I remember feeling so awful for her...swearing that I would NEVER be that woman on the balcony yelling at the children as they played, rode their bikes and acted like children. But, I have to say...everyday I feel more and more like that little old, mean, hateful, deranged woman. I have a hard time being with children or even around children, I just keep thinking...that should be my Charlie; running, jumping and laughing. He would have been in the 5th grade this year. I see his school mates and just want to cry.

My one question...always and forever...why!!!!

Avoiding Life

Ok, I know, I have totally been avoiding this blog...sowwy. It would appear that some months are better than others. I don't know what it was about September, but I just could not get going, let alone THINK! I work, I sleep (not often) and work again. My new friend is coffee, which, by the way, I can't stand the taste of, and 5 hour energy shots. How pathetic is that?!

So, my last post I stated how my patience is getting thin...guess what, it hasn't thickened up any since August 30th. But I have come to a realization, I need to live for me now. From 2000 to 2009, I lived for Charlie. Not that I am complaining, but I slept, ate and dreamed of schedules for medications, checking on his breathing, listening for "sleeping" sounds of a baby, toddler and then "kid". Then the last two years I have just survived. I am tired of just surviving...I want to live again. I know that in the situation that I am in now, it just won't happen. But I am slowly trying to make that dream a reality. But even that drains me, physically and mentally.

I have started a second job, that I am soooo loving, and for once, I don't mind staying up past 10pm if I have to work. Usually, when I am home, I am in my pjs before 6pm and in the bed by 9pm. I know why...trying to sleep my misery away...but guess what...IT DOES NOT WORK...darn-it! I am now the scrapbooking teacher at Michaels, my new second job, and I actually know that Charlie brought me here. He knew how much I loved to scrap and be crafty and I honestly think he guided me to this job. On my way to work one day, I just happened to go by the mall and actually pay attention to what was going on there and saw the hiring sign...I immediately went to my first job, (which I love also) and applied. Within three days, I was called and before I knew it...bam (as Charlie would say when something went right)...I had a second job. Thank you, Charlie, and God, of course. Without either one, I would not be standing in these shoes right now.

I don't know how many people are feeling as I do now, but I know that I am tired of always crying, and I want to laugh again...whole-heartedly. I want to laugh until I pee my pants. Maybe one day...but it sure isn't today. I am trying...for now, I will continue to avoid life and just survive, because right now, that is all I know how to do.

My Grief Wish List

I stole this from my dear friend, Ashley Quarles' page...I too can so relate to this!!!!

MY GRIEF WISH LIST

.....I wish you would not be afraid to speak my loved one’s name. They lived and were important and I need to hear their name.

......If I cry or get emotional if we talk about my loved one, I wish you knew that it isn’t because you have hurt me: the fact they have died has caused my tears. You have allowed me to cry and I thank you. Crying and emotional outbursts are healing.

......I wish you wouldn’t let my loved one die again by removing from your home his pictures, artwork or other remembrances.

......I will have emotional highs and lows, up and down. I wish you wouldn’t think that if I have a good day my grief is all over, or that if I have a bad day, I need psychiatric counseling.

.....I wish you knew that the death of a child is different from other losses and must be viewed separately. It is the ultimate tragedy and I wish you wouldn’t compare it to your loss of a parent, a spouse or a pet.

....Being a bereaved person is not contagious, so I wish you wouldn’t stay away from me.
I wish you knew all the crazy grief reactions that I am having are in fact very normal. Depression, anger, frustration and hopelessness and the questioning of values and beliefs are to be expected following a death.

.....I wish you wouldn’t expect my grief to be over in six months. The first few years are going to be exceedingly traumatic for us. As with alcoholics I will never be ‘cured’ or a ‘formerly bereaved’, but forever a ‘recovering’ from my bereavement.

....I wish you understood the physical reaction to grief. I may gain weight or lose weight, sleep all the time or not at all, develop a lot of illness and be accident prone, all of which are related to my grief.

.....Our loved one’s birthday, the anniversary of her death and the holidays are terrible times for us. I wish you could tell me that you are thinking about them on these days and if we get quiet and withdrawn, just know that we are thinking about them and don’t try to coerce us into being cheerful.

.....I wish you wouldn’t offer to take me out for a drink, or to a party. This is just a temporary crutch and the only way I can get through this grief is to experience it. I have to hurt before I can heal.

....I wish you understood that grief changes people. I am not the same person I was before my loved one died and I never will be that person again. If you keep waiting for me to get back to ‘my old self’, you will stay frustrated. I am a new creature with new thoughts, dreams, aspirations, values and beliefs. Please try to get to know the new me: maybe you will still like me.