Today

I woke up this morning, trying not to realize what today actually was. 18 months ago, I had to make the hardest decision of my life...one that I NEVER want to repeat. I pray that if this decision ever presents itself to me again, that someone else will help me. I HATE having the weight of that decision on my heart, shoulders and soul.

18 months ago, my Charlie died, and to this day, I am still numb. Numb with disbelief, numb with hatred, numb with anger, numb from loneliness. I always expected for me to die, and that Charlie would live to fulfill his dreams, to become a doctor and find a cure for HLHS. So now, I will try with all my might to carry on his dream. But today, I will wither up and curl into a ball and withdraw another step within myself. Another step into the cold, dark and scary hole that I call a soul. Do I still have a soul? I have been so angry at God, I can't even step into church for Sunday Services without wanting to yell that everything the preacher states are all lies. Is this normal? Because I, in no way, feel normal...unless numb is normal. I don't sleep, I gorge on food from depression and live in misery. I can honestly understand the statement: "Just shoot me." But then I pray to God to forgive me for my frustrations, my anger and my evil thoughts. I pray Charlie knows that I am not the mean, evil person I am turning into.

18 months ago today, I lost my best friend, my youngest child and my sanity...I know I will never get my buddy back, but will I ever become sane again? I don't see it anytime in my near future...I want to find a hole and fall in...maybe one day.........