So, I am sitting at work, had a wonderful evening with friends at my bereavement group the night before, when I had to look at the calendar...WHY did I do that? Why? Because I needed to make sure my heart remembered what it feels like to have a knife stuck into it, over and over again...today is Charlie's 22 months of being gone. God how that hurts. I was doing good. I woke up this am, I actually smiled, went to court with my friend, Dayna and when I got back to work, someone asked me..."What is today's date?" So I looked at the calendar...REALLY?! That is all it takes to knock the wind out of my lungs...am I really that weak?! God, I pray not. I just stood there, looking at the calendar...and the lady asked me again..."What is today's date?" I just swallowed REALLY hard, looked at the counter and stated the date. God that hurt.
Charlie, I don't know how to live without you. No matter how hard I try, it doesn't get any easier. When I hurt like this, I just want to lash out at the first person to cross me and just keep wrecking havok on everyone and everything I see. I hate this world without you! What am I suppose to do? I can't keep hurting like this. I thought that after a while, the pain would turn to numbness...but it hasn't. It just gets worse and worse, harder and harder to live each day. This season doesn't make things any easier...this was our time to have fun, we would laugh and snicker looking at all the costumes for Halloween, waited for family gatherings for Thanksgiving and ohh' and ahh'd at all the Christmas lights. Always making detours on our way home to see if we could find "new" lights to see on our way home. I miss that so much! Please, someone give me strength! Charlie, I need you more than ever right now. Please send me some strength! Because like a balloon deflating, I too have, in a matter of minutes. Damn this life sux!!!!
I just want to know...WILL IT EVER GET EASY? To breathe, to walk, to talk and make sense...when?! If you know...please let me know!
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