Avoiding Life

Ok, I know, I have totally been avoiding this blog...sowwy. It would appear that some months are better than others. I don't know what it was about September, but I just could not get going, let alone THINK! I work, I sleep (not often) and work again. My new friend is coffee, which, by the way, I can't stand the taste of, and 5 hour energy shots. How pathetic is that?!

So, my last post I stated how my patience is getting thin...guess what, it hasn't thickened up any since August 30th. But I have come to a realization, I need to live for me now. From 2000 to 2009, I lived for Charlie. Not that I am complaining, but I slept, ate and dreamed of schedules for medications, checking on his breathing, listening for "sleeping" sounds of a baby, toddler and then "kid". Then the last two years I have just survived. I am tired of just surviving...I want to live again. I know that in the situation that I am in now, it just won't happen. But I am slowly trying to make that dream a reality. But even that drains me, physically and mentally.

I have started a second job, that I am soooo loving, and for once, I don't mind staying up past 10pm if I have to work. Usually, when I am home, I am in my pjs before 6pm and in the bed by 9pm. I know why...trying to sleep my misery away...but guess what...IT DOES NOT WORK...darn-it! I am now the scrapbooking teacher at Michaels, my new second job, and I actually know that Charlie brought me here. He knew how much I loved to scrap and be crafty and I honestly think he guided me to this job. On my way to work one day, I just happened to go by the mall and actually pay attention to what was going on there and saw the hiring sign...I immediately went to my first job, (which I love also) and applied. Within three days, I was called and before I knew it...bam (as Charlie would say when something went right)...I had a second job. Thank you, Charlie, and God, of course. Without either one, I would not be standing in these shoes right now.

I don't know how many people are feeling as I do now, but I know that I am tired of always crying, and I want to laugh again...whole-heartedly. I want to laugh until I pee my pants. Maybe one day...but it sure isn't today. I am trying...for now, I will continue to avoid life and just survive, because right now, that is all I know how to do.