Always in My Mind

I saw Cherry yesterday. For most people, that is nothing special; but for me...it is EVERYTHING! I have close friends, I have friends that are in the same boat as I am, but I truly hate to lean on them when they are in their darkest hours. So, I truly rely on Cherry for venting.

Let me tell you a little about Cherry. Cherry is very similar to me. She tells it how it is...and I LOVE IT!!! She doesn't judge me when I complain. She doesn't yell at me when I disagree with myself or anyone else, including her, and she always makes me laugh at myself. That, for me, is AWESOME!!! I am so used to people laughing at me, not with me, so I forget that I am aloud to laugh at myself and it be okay. She explains to me why things are going through my mind that should not be, she gives me awesome ideas for crafts and many words of wisdom. Cherry is my tree...ironic...I love cherries....lol.

So, as I said, I saw Cherry yesterday. And I love her when she helps me put things into perspective...11 months...whoot whoot. Then maybe some freedom. There will never be freedom from my loss of Charlie. That will always eat at me. Was it my fault for not pushing the doctors for an earlier heart cath...cause I tried. Was it my fault to make the decision to turn the machine off...no, it was in Charlie's best interest. But these are the type of things that run through my mind, along with many other things and people. Why I dispise this person, why I need my freedom...all these things run through my mind like a rushing river, constantly erroding my thoughts. But with Cherry, I will make it.

I started another craft idea and told Cherry about it yesterday. She loved it...so of course, she will be the first to receive my AWESOME idea as a gift. I am excited about this new idea, and can't wait to post a pic. But that is another post...

As I think back about the session I had with Cherry last evening, I keep thinking that Charlie is forever present in my mind when I speak. I keep questioning myself if what I am doing in my life is selfish, or would Charlie understand. I truly want to believe that Charlie would understand and would totally approve. I pray that he does...because he is constantly in my mind when I think of my future. My future scares me...but it is something that must be done. My only hope...that I am not alone. I am scared of being alone. But I can not stay in the situation that I am in now...something has to change...God knows that...so I just keep praying and planning. For not only is Charlie always on my mind...my hopes and dreams are too.