So, today, I am having MAJOR issues with patience. I have tried all morning to post comments to my friends blog and dog gone it...the damn machine won't cooperate. I would normally say it has to be a user malfunction, but I have done EVERYTHING I know to get the posts to occur other than as annonymous. I am a follower on these sites machine!!! Wake up and post my friggin' comments...dang...just hurry up will you.
So, I have come to the conclusion that my patience has been stretched way over the limits that it is accustom to. As I reflect on my last 20 months...I have realized that my patience has gotten thinner and thinner and I basically have NO patience for anyone anymore...including myself. How sad is that...to be frustrated at oneself? I have noticed that my temper flares more often than not, I want to pick up things and throw them at anyone who looks at me wrong, and for some reason...I would love to get in a brawl!!! Just to be able to vent my inpatience and frustrations would be AWESOME!!!! I need a good punching bag...one that doesn't tell me everything is going to be okay, one that doesn't say it will get better, one that doesn't say your pain will heal in time...one that will just let me punch it over and over and over...like my heart feels like it has been treated...Beaten, Bruised and Broken...
I ask myself all the time...am I the only one that feels this beaten, bruised and broken? I see my friends that have lost children, I try to be the light of hope to them, but where is my light. I know that Ashley, Lori and Susan are there for me, but who do I talk to when my light is dim and fading? I can't say that I would love to find a rock and crawl under it and never come out, or that I too have thoughts of suicide and death...and just pray that I will find freedom before that becomes reality.
Does anyone know that I dream of ways to die? That I just think...if I could drive my car into a tree, or run head on into a semi, or jump from the tallest building I can find? I miss my Charlie everyday...and sometimes the pain is so raw that I can't take it anymore. Then I have to listen to Chuck...ughhhh. We have been married for 12 years, and 7 of those years...we weren't really married. I was focused on Charlie, he was focused on himself. Now that Charlie is gone, all I hear is how he misses Charlie and it just grates my nerves. How many times did he tell Charlie, no, you can't do something with me because he was going to a friend's house, or he ate Charlie's candy or chips and would make Charlie cry because he did. I don't want to hear your bullshit!!! How do you do this to a child and then cry because he is gone? You should be crying...you wasted valuable time with Charlie being selfish...ughhhh. I could go on and on about Chuck...I just know that I am truly done and so very tired...
Cherry seems to think that once I find my freedom I will blossom and grow. I don't feel that way though. I feel wilted and all dried up. Pine needles that have fallen from the tree and left to dry out on the ground...I just pray that something happens and soon!!! Misery is a lonely place to live for the rest of your life. I just pray that I don't stay beaten, bruised and broken forever!!!!
It's nice (not really a good word to describe this) to know that I'm not the only one who thinks of ways to die. There have been MULTIPLE times that I've contemplated driving my car off of a bridge or times when I wonder how fast I would have to crash into that tree to be killed instantly.
ReplyDeleteI know it's cliche, but you're not alone. I've been a tad withdrawn here lately and I apologize for that. We need to spend time together outside of Whispering Angels and just let it all out... maybe we could take a baseball bat to something and really let it all out!