Am I Weird or Something?

I sit here, daily, and read other people's blogs about loosing their dear children, and although I feel their pain, the sharp shards from broken dreams ripping at my heart, I wonder why I have so easily accepted that Charlie is gone.

Now don't get me wrong...I wake up every morning and am like a robot...get out of bed, let the dogs out, feed the dogs, take daily medications, take a shower (I even have a certain pattern in the shower I follow), dry and style hair, apply makeup, get on facebook, get dressed...go to work. All day I think of Charlie, and sometimes I get really angry that he is gone, but in my heart, I know that he is okay...and no matter how angry I get, I don't have these raw, stinging emotions like other mothers do. Then I wonder...am I weird or something? I should feel some kind of raw, stinging emotions, but then I justify that Charlie is not in any pain any longer. Not having to be stuck with needles, wear heart monitors, take those God awful medicaitons, not throwing up when his heart gets into a wreckless beat, not becoming stark white and lithargic when he isn't feeling well, etc. It is like I am covering up how I truly feel with excuses. But are they excuses?

I know, in my heart, no matter how much I truly miss him, that he IS better off. And that God, both my grand mothers, my mother and all of Chuck's famiy are with him and that he is loved and taken care of. And no matter how much I want to hold, touch, caress, laugh, cry, tuck him in at night, I know that one day I will be able to do all those things, and the only thing that keeps me going in my robotic state is knowing...Charlie is safe. Does all this make me weird? Or just in denial? Gosh, I get so frustrated sometimes that I am not able to show my emotions like others do. I am definitely weird!!!!