Sarcasm Runs My Life Right Now.

Last night was absolutely fabulous, as usual, when I meet with "The Gurls". I hated that Lori missed, but I know she is going through a lot right now. My heart aches for her.

Why does the "Why" question never get answered after the child dies? Is it so difficult to let me know why? I read all these terrible stories about children that were abused, neglected, housed in dog cages, left in basements to live their lives and obviously you would think that God would take these children first, to help ease their pain. Why take a child that was cherished, loved, and insightful away from parents that need that child more than life itself? I tell you, the day I buried my son, was the day my heart left my body, and I doubt that it will ever return. I just can not grasp the knowledge of knowing that Charlie is gone, FOREVER!!! That is the nastiest word in my vocabulary. I can live without a husband, I can live without my mother; for they are to leave before us; but I can not live FOREVER without my children. So, what goes in the spot where my heart used to be? Because right now it feels like it is filled with lead, from all the anger and resentment that I feel. Will that heavy, gashing hole ever fill and close with something other than anger and resentment? I just don't know, and honestly, I doubt it. I want to find a hole, preferrably next to Charlie, and cover myself up with the dirt and hide. It sucks that 20 months have gone by and I still feel this way. I was told that pain will ease away with time...well whoever said that...LIED!!!! I don't think that person ever felt the loss of a child nor would understand how I just want to knock the hell out of him/her for saying that. And if I hear one more time...he is with God, or the Angels or better off...I think I may go psycho...  I know that Charlie loved God, and that he is with God and that he is, in my eyes, the most beautiful of all angels in Heaven, but I, for the life of me, can not figure out why he is better off where he is. He will eventually have worms, bugs and other nasty creepy crawlies crawling though his body, in a cold/hot hole in the ground (depending on the season) instead of being with me. How is that better off? I say the hell with everyone who says such insensitive things...THINK BEFORE YOU SPEAK, JERK!!!

Well, I can obviously say that I really need to see Cherry today...can anyone else tell. My mind goes away and I am left with sarcasm and attitude...not that I don't live my daily life with sarcasm and attitude, it just gets worse when I need a Cherry Fix...

Well, until tomorrow....